Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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