Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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