Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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