so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
