The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
People in love make me want to vomit
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
