I think I died a long time ago.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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