Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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