I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
