And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Is it penis luge time yet?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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