I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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