ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
