i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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