I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
