Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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