So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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