you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
