did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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