Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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