Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
