this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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