this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
