he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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