More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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