I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
