I think my fart just growled at me.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
