So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
