I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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