you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
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