I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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