Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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