every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
