Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize