There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
