Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize