i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
