I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
