I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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