i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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