i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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