I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
