i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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