her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
