Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
