My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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