Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize