8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
