I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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