I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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