ya dads aren't the best wingmen
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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