The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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