Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
