I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize