just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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