Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
