Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
