i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
