Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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