What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
